To be able to talk about self-esteem, it is important to first mention the following terms:
- Temperament, which has a biological base; and
- Character, which has to do with our relationship to our surrounding environment, from our family to our friends and people that we interact with on a daily basis.
The combination of these two concepts results in our unique personality, and it is for this reason that the environment in which a person grows up during early childhood, is of utmost importance for the development of a healthy self-esteem.
We talk about a healthy self-esteem when a person can be aware of his strengths and weaknesses; when according to his actions, he experiences his mistakes as a responsible person and learns form them, trying over and over again to obtain better results. A person who trusts his abilities, works on developing his skills in an assertive manner, and does not act driven by fear or under threat, but out of his own will.
We can work self-esteem in children through a positive parenting style that is based on the intelligence and willingness of the child, from his very first years of life. When a child is raised under a parenting style of overprotection, he gets the message that he is not capable of achieving anything by himself, and thus he can become shy, insecure, impatient, intolerant or frustrated when carrying out daily tasks according to his age.
Likewise, a child that is not guided or raised under his parents’ supervision, a child who does whatever he wants, without rules, without discipline, without structure, can develop personality traits of low self-esteem. When relating to other children around him, this child will become aware of the fact that he does not follow the same rules as the others, that things are not the way they are at home, that something is not being done in the exact same way and he does not behave as other kids within his group; this can make a child become withdrawn and anxious when working or participating in teams. A child who is raised getting prizes for every activity he does, will also be limited in the correct development of his self-esteem, as he will behave driven by rewards and the acceptance of others as opposed to by feeling confident in his abilities, and the conviction of doing something just because it is good for him.
Self-esteem refers to the value and love that I bestow on myself as a person, and children are able to develop that love, in a genuine way, working with a self-concept that is appropriate to their age. Self-concept refers to the idea that I have of myself, of my physical appearance, my abilities, my weaknesses and what I am or not able to do.
This all derives from working with the child from early childhood by assuming an “I CAN” way of thinking, which is developed through doing tasks that are appropriate to their age. In this way the child will be able to perceive his own achievements, his abilities and his mistakes, which he will correct as many times as necessary. This is how they can develop the capacity for self-confidence.
There are four steps to develop a positive self-esteem
1. The first step is to let them know as parents that we have faith in them. Tell your child “I trust you”. Use positive labels that nurture strong beliefs as well as their self-confidence. Our words are respected and valued by them, therefore, we must be really careful about the way we express ourselves regarding their actions. Avoid the use of negative labels when talking about their behavior, either when we are by ourselves, with them or in front of others. Do not allow anyone, not even family members to use them, in expressions such as “you’re useless”, “you never understand what I’m saying”, “you are always dropping things”, etc. As well as avoiding comparisons with other children, especially with siblings, and stop using genetic labels (“you’re just as unpunctual as your grandfather”, “you’re just as mad as your mother”, etc.).
It is important to change You messages into I messages. A You message, such as: “you make me angry”, “it’s your fault”, can be taken as a sentence, as an aggression, a total blame for what happens around him.
On the other hand, “I” messages like: “I feel sad because of the way you talk to me”, “I feel bad when you do not listen to me”, “I do not like it when you do not pick up your things”, for example, make a child think about how a person feels with their attitudes, freeing them from believing that everything depends on them, and that they only do bad things, it tells them that they also have positive things. It is therefore important that the child be separated from his behavior; when correcting them, it is better to say “what you did was not right, I did not like it or it was not correct, but that does not stop me from loving you or from loving the person that you are”.
It is also important to thank them for their efforts and to encourage them to continue making them, even when getting an unfavorable outcome. It is appropriate to say “I know you did your best and I am sure that it will be better next time “.
2. The second step is to set out expectations that increase their chances for success, which will encourage the child to endeavor in new experiences, develop his skills and increase self-confidence. Have them play soccer, run, play an instrument, experience different activities that open their mind to other options so they can discover their preferences and aptitudes. Suggest realistic expectations, not unreasonable ones that could limit the child, because by setting out very high expectations, they can just end up feeling frustrated. We must take into account the appropriate development of the child in accordance to his age. It is also important to know if these are expectations shared by the child, and not those of the parents, the activities must be agreed on by both parents and children.
3. The third step is to foster strong internal beliefs, which are worked on by transforming the “I CAN’T” into ”I CAN”, as this helps to develop a positive internal dialogue (listening to myself in a positive way, listening to my intelligence). From the time children are very young, have them sit to think and analyze their actions, and to hand in hand with their parents – and according to their age – learn to differentiate between doing the right thing and doing the wrong thing. They should not do things based on fear or on getting gifts, they must learn to act with conviction and that will come with time. Practicing from an early age to listen to ourselves is the basis of self-confidence and is what will strengthen our self-esteem.
4. Thus, the fourth step is to help our children to develop an attitude based on an I CAN way of thinking. By internalizing this concept – that is, by making it his own, doing it consciously, because he knows it is good for him – the child will be able to observe his advances, to see that he is improving, that he has progressed and will feel encouraged to try new things and to give it his best effort. Not only because his parents say so, but because he can now talk to himself and is driven to do new things and to do it as best as he can. He has already understood that it feels good to be better every day and he is able to perceive his achievements and abilities, consciously trying to create new challenges.
It is likely that the power of self-confidence be the basis for a positive self-esteem. Knowing ourselves, trusting ourselves and knowing our abilities from an early age will give us the basis for a healthy self-esteem, which allows people to be productive, have inner strength, have real satisfaction, develop skills, have goals to achieve, and be able to have healthier interpersonal relationships.
Points to remember
– Think about the positive aspects and focus on your child’s positive values.
– Trust your child, so he can trust himself.
– Children who barely trust themselves need to be shown their progress in very concrete terms to help them see that they are improving.
– Encourage your child to keep trying.
– Only compare the current work of your child with his previous work, not with that of other children, or siblings.
– Remember that success calls for success, so as parents we must create opportunities that are suitable for our children to reach.
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