Summarising the article “Self-esteem in Children”, we will take up some concepts that are very important to keep building our self-esteem during our teenage years. Remember that you have to take into consideration the character and temperament of your teenager, continue with the parenting style that you have been using until now for the development and guidance of your child. Most of the time, parents get lost when continuing to raise their child as they do not adapt their parenting style to adolescence, however we will mention this topic further on.
Remember that a healthy self-esteem refers to “a person being conscious of his strengths and weaknesses; when depending on his actions, he experiences his mistakes first hand and learns from them, trying again and again to have better results. A person who trusts in his abilities, works in developing his skills in an assertive manner, and does not act out of fear or under threat, but according to his own will”.
By the time a person reaches adolescence, the foundations of self-esteem have already been established mainly by the parents; therefore, many of the previous teachings are manifested during this stage.
It is important to understand that when children become teenagers, they usually become more reserved, they begin to question rules and limits, they become quieter, some start wanting to go out more, their circle of friends grow, their mood swings become more evident, they get angry more easily, they cry, they laugh, all this without any apparent reason. All these changes are due to the fact that they are entering a new stage that will prepare them for adult life. But while this occurs, both kids and parents can feel as if a distance has started to grow between them, if you feel that this is your case, do not despair!
We have to consider important situations that will help us strengthen the self-esteem of our teenagers.
In order to help them build their self-concept, which is the opinion that a person has about him or herself, it is important to help them become aware of their abilities, aptitudes and weaknesses through the words of the parents. You can highlight the positive, all the good aspects you see in them; validate them through what you tell them, congratulate them for doing something right. This can also be done through a hug, a pat, a look, through paying attention to them, in this way you reinforce them positively and encourage them to repeat that positive behaviour again. Negative behaviours should be discussed with them in private, not as a way to hurt them or judge them, but for them to understand that they can improve in that area. Remember that they are a work in progress, they are learning to define their personality, and so you will see them trying out different behaviours, and you will ask yourself, is that normal? Yes, yes it is, help them find themselves without any judgement.
All this will also help them strengthen their self-confidence, so that they can continue to choose their own behaviours and the things they like; during this time, you will also help them by giving them your trust. The best way to teach teenagers self-confidence is through making them feel that you trust them, by giving them the opportunity to make their own choices, by being there for them, encouraging them to do what they enjoy doing, by letting them know that they can achieve their goals. Perhaps they will want to try something new, do not discourage them, let them try it. Help them by guiding them on how to choose friends and activities outside school that could be good for them. It is important to set clear rules and limits at this time, because they will also want to investigate things outside the safety of their home, and you have to be aware and know where they are going, what time they return and who they are going with; This will help them to know that you are interested in their safety and also to know that there are limits that should not be passed over.
Communication, this is a bit of a difficult topic. As we have already mentioned, teenagers tend to become isolated and quiet, however although this is no piece of cake it isn’t impossible either. Something important to keep in mind (as we saw in the previous article), is to eliminate the YOU messages as they focus on the other person; they are statements that blame or label someone such as: “you are lazy”, “you are rebellious”, “you are stubborn”; and change we would need to change them to “I” messages such as: “I need you to help me tidy up your things”, “I need you to commit to the agreements we have made”, “I feel that you don´t listen to me”. “I” messages use expressions in the first person to communicate our point of view to the other person, our interests and feelings without the other person getting defensive. It helps both parties express each other in a constructive way. In this way I can let my teenager know how I feel about something that he does or says instead of telling him “you are lazy” but instead “I don’t like it when you are messy or when you don´t tidy up your things”. This will help them know that they are not the problem, but a specific behaviour that they need to work on.
This shows us that there is a part of them that needs to be nurtured, but how do we do that? With positive feedback. They will usually ask you questions, indirectly as in “one of my friends did or said such thing, what do you think?”. In this cases, listen, don’t judge their actions, answer them as a parent, giving them your opinion, but not sounding angry, that way they will know that you listen to them and that if they were to choose to do that, they would already know what your reaction and thoughts would be and that, in the case of negative behaviours, there would probably be consequences.
Do not condition your love for them, you also have to teach them to love without conditions, not depending on your mood or their actions. Negative comments both during childhood and during adolescence such as: “if you do this I will stop loving you”, “children who do that are bad”, “if you get good grades I’ll love you more”, as well as comparing them to others, instead of encouraging them to develop their abilities and be better, destroy their self-esteem.
Spending time with our loved ones can be easier with some people than with others. This has a lot to do with the temperament and character of each person, but sometimes it may also have to do with the fact that the other person may share a lot of your traits and characteristics and this could cause unintentional conflict when we don´t realise the similarities among ourselves. However, that does not stop you from showing them the paternal love you have for them.
It is extremely important to remember that they are also going through physical changes, so help them to love their body through enhancing their attributes and physical abilities, talking to them about these changes and about how normal they are at this stage, in this way you will help them feel safe and comfortable with their body.
Remember that…
- It is a transitory stage of changes, don´t feel discouraged, adapt the family rules to his/her current situation as a teenager. This will make you grow as a parent and you will enjoy this stage a lot more with your child.
- Validate them through what you say, congratulate them when they do something well, through a hug, a slap, looking them in the eye, giving them your approval with a smile.
- Guide them, encourage them and accompany them in their choices.
- Spend time with them. Don´t just ask them how they are, but what they like, what they are thinking, etc. Spend quality time with them and have fun!
- Trust them
- Listen to them and give them your opinion without judging them
- Your love for them should not depend on your mood, don´t condition it over what they do or don´t do, teach them to love themselves.
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