Violence has a pattern, a pattern that is dynamic and that tends to repeat itself with those people with whom we have a violent relationship and with whom we are constantly in contact. This pattern – which is cyclical – is known as the “cycle of violence.” And it is extremely important to be able to identify it in order to break it, identify its phases and how it works, identify what happens to the person who receives the violence and understand how and why it is sometimes so difficult to get out of it.
First Phase – tension building: At this point, there are constant frictions between the couple; small demonstrations of violence, that can be directed to an object at first, such as hitting walls, breaking objects, etc; and then at you: criticizing the way you dress, forbidding you to go out with your friends, isolating you or criticizing your family, etc. and – as the name implies – tension begins to accumulate in the relationship. Just like a balloon that you are putting more and more air into, it begins to inflate but at the same time it becomes more tense. The aggressor can also demonstrate violence through sudden and abrupt mood swings, verbally, with excessive jealousy and sometimes with physical aggression.
In this phase, the victim tries to find multiple reasons to justify the behaviour of the aggressor through reasoning such as: “he is tired”, “he is very stressed”, “he is jealous because he loves me”, “he just wants to take care of me”, “he just has a bit of a temper”, etc. and tries to do everything she can to please him and avoid conflict. Emotional and psychological violence start here, the idea that HIS violent acts are the result of something that YOU do is just a dirty excuse for not taking responsibility for his actions; absurdly blaming you for something that isn’t your fault, belittling you and seriously affecting your self-esteem. It is here, when the victim believes that she is “guilty”, that shame shows its face, and the person starts second-guessing herself and remaining silent.
Second phase – acute explosion: After the tension phase, things escalate to the aggression phase. Due to so much air that the balloon is holding inside, it explodes; aggressions occur more frequently and intensely. Physical aggressions begin, beatings, kicking, etc. and this is when we can see violence in its different shapes: psychological, verbal, economic, sexual and/or physical violence. After an episode of aggression, the victim begins to feel fear, confusion and may decide to seek help. She could talk to her family, talk to someone close to her, call the police or even file a complaint. She feels torn and in total disbelief between the love that she has for the aggressor and the shock of what just happened; the aggressor, on the other hand, tries to minimise his violence with things like “it’s not that big a deal” or “I didn’t want to do it”.
Third phase – honeymoon phase: After the violent episodes, the aggressor usually asks for forgiveness, his behaviour is friendly and affectionate; showering the victim with gifts and promising that it will never happen again, that it was other factors totally alien to him what made him explode. He constantly tells the victim that he loves her and that he doesn’t understand how it happened; he could even say that he is willing to get help, but it is an offer that he will never carry out. The victim relies on all these demonstrations of love, hoping to convince herself that it was only an isolated event; once again justifying the violence directed against her and believing the words of forgiveness from her partner. And it is because of this “honeymoon” phase, that the victim stops following up on any filed complaints, any requests for help and the conditions are given for the cycle to start all over again.
Remember that violence is intentional and repetitive so if you realise that it has happened more than once, it is very likely that you are both already inside the cycle of violence. And if so, we recommend asking for help as this eventually causes emotional dependence (the feeling of not being able to live without the other person); it works a bit like with alcoholics who promise to stop drinking: they might do it for a while, but then relapse again, this is also the case with violence.
No matter how hard you try to avoid a violent situation by behaving the way your aggressor wants you to, by pleasing him, by trying to reason with him, by JUSTIFYING him, or even by trying to calm him down, all this will help very little and will generally and inevitably escalate to explicit violence. Moreover, you will start to believe that you are the one who causes these violent episodes, which will make you feel guilty, but they are totally unjustifiable, and as you continue to minimize his actions you will be encouraging this violence to take place over and over again.
But, what if you are not even aware of being in a violent relationship?
There are two ways to exert violence: actively and passively. The first one is a lot clearer than the second one, so let´s start by defining them and giving examples of each.
Active violence: You are forced to do things that you don´t want to do, there are threats, and also direct, intentional, and physical actions. It’s the type of violence that you can easily detect and even then, still try to justify. This type of violence does not confuse the victim, nor does it deceive her emotionally, since its occurrence cannot be denied. Pushing, beating, screaming, kicking, etc. It is totally unmistakable and direct.
On the other hand, what do we mean by passive violence? Passive violence refers to a group of subtle attitudes charged with an aggression that is not so obvious and direct, and which is a lot harder to detect. Manipulation, emotional blackmail, not speaking to you, diminishing signs of affection, conditioning your sex life as a punishment, lack of empathy, lies, etc. This type of aggression is no less dangerous than the active one and it causes the same or even a much greater damage to the victim, as it is a strong attack of psychological and emotional aggression. Attitudes such as “gaslighting” which is defined as a form of psychological abuse that consists of presenting false information or manipulating the information in a way that makes the victim question their memory, perception and/or sanity. This type of aggressors are emotionally immature people and will always turn things around to become the victim and make you feel guilty. They can attack you constantly through subtle comments, attitudes, etc. until you react – even violently as a result of this attack – and that is when you are blamed for being the one causing the problems.
There is a feeling of impotence and/or helplessness in the victim that slowly turns into resignation. But that resignation can be full of anger and frustration, and it will end up coming to the surface directly or indirectly, engaging with the situation and repeating the same behaviours.
This type of violence tremendously attacks the psychological integrity of the person, destroying their self-confidence, their self-esteem, making them believe that they need their aggressor due to the emotional dependence that they have with them, second guessing their own judgement as to what is right or wrong, and feeling that they have lost their identity and a big part of themselves along the way.
If any part of this reading seems familiar to you, or if you think that you could be in a violent relationship but you are still not sure, please ask for help. It is better to be safe and sound than to continue doubting yourself.
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