First of all, I would like to ask you: what is selfishness for you? Over the years, we have been taught that a selfish person is one who has excessive love for themselves, one who does not care about anything or anyone but their own interests. In general, the position on selfishness tends to be tyrannized in our society and perceived as something destructive. It seems that it is considered wrong to love yourself or to show yourself as you are.
But have you heard anything about “healthy selfishness”? Have you heard this term before? Think about this for a moment, without making too many judgments about the definition or whatever description comes to you.
It can be difficult not to put a judgment on the word “selfishness”, since, in general, we have been taught that being selfish is bad. In this article we will define or reconstruct what healthy selfishness means, and we will talk about its characteristics as well as its importance.
Having a healthy selfishness means loving and respecting who we are, prioritizing our needs and our dreams, it is a key piece that will lead us to have better self-esteem, better quality of life and better mental health.
In order to understand the importance of healthy selfishness, it is necessary to understand what the consequences are when you don’t practice it. People who do not practice healthy selfishness tend to think of the needs of others first, leaving their own in second place. Therefore, they might find themselves in situations that could harm them and have dependent and violent relationships. They may be afraid of new situations, of failing, feeling guilty and comparing themselves to others.
Authors such as Richard and Rachael Heller state that healthy selfishness is “respecting one’s own needs and feelings, even if others don’t. Especially if others don’t”. Jorge Bucay states that healthy selfishness refers to “a person who prefers themselves before others.”
In this sense, healthy selfishness does NOT have anything to do with an excessive selfishness that annuls or invalidate others. People with healthy selfishness venture to get to know themselves, so that when facing complex situations they can handle them with security, trusting their own resources; they accept their limitations and know how to set limits to others, and say no to what hurts them or to what they do not agree with, whether it be with situations or people.
Practicing healthy selfishness will lead you to experience well-being, to develop high self-esteem, act with autonomy, confidence and to set limits. You will feel less need to ask for approval because you will love and accept yourself just the way you are, you will learn to enjoy and to be open to receiving what life has to offer you; as well as to choose relationships that enrich you and help you grow. Moreover, you will be able to recognize when you need help, as well as to identify your own pain and give yourself the necessary time and self-care to alleviate it.
Healthy selfishness will cause you to treat yourself in a respectful, compassionate, and kind way. You will become aware of your mistakes, but in a constructive manner and, although it will not eliminate all problems, it will make you feel better about yourself and your life, being more flexible and open-minded. I hope you allow yourself to experience and practice healthy selfishness, to get to know yourself better and to take care of yourself!
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