How to resolve conflicts assertively

There are many situations that can generate conflicts. Conflicts are difficulties that have a solution but that, sometimes, cannot be resolved in a simple and immediate way. Conflicts can make us change, improve, achieve goals or objectives. But they can also make us feel uncomfortable, anxious, afraid, insecure, giving rise to emotions that prevent us from communicating from a place of respect for ourselves and for others.

The attitude that we have towards a given conflict, and our communication and problem-solving skills, will largely determine how successful we will be in resolving it. From a young age we learn to avoid or resolve conflicts aggressively, prioritizing our right to speak and be heard, ignoring the other person. Or sometimes, we could feel guilt or anger for not being able to express our opinion, for not being able to say what we wanted to say or how we felt. This can cause the conflict to become larger and larger, and it may seem more difficult to find a way to resolve it.

Learning to communicate assertively has to do with a communication style that arises from vulnerability and emotions, allowing us to get closer to ourselves and to the other person. Assertiveness is expressing what you feel, think, need, or want in a direct, honest, and respectful way, taking into account the feelings, thoughts and needs of the other person. It is to communicate in such a way that no one is above the other, but where both parties find a way to win-win. Being able to communicate assertively allows us to bring those differences together, instead of further distancing us from others.

There are 3 types of communication that people generally use to deal with conflicts:

• Passive style: it is used to evade or avoid conflicts; however, people who use this style will have difficulty setting limits and dealing with problems. They make themselves invisible and give power to the other person.
• Aggressive style: it can occur when the other person is right and thus, I decide to invalidate them, without thinking that there are other ways to perceive the world, this people consider that the only valid opinion is theirs. Therefore, they will have trouble setting limits for themselves and will cross the limits of others.
• Assertive style: they try to respect both parties. They take into account their own needs and those of the other person. They try to find a balance.

Being able to resolve conflicts assertively will help ease uncomfortable conversations, and promote growth in relationships.

Some techniques that can be used to put the assertive communication style into practice are:

• Modify thoughts, beliefs, patterns, mental structures.
• Relaxation techniques that help manage emotions in order to communicate from a place of calm.
• Practice a conversation about a difficult topic in front of the mirror repeating your speech calmly, in order to feel more confident, strengthen your position and opinion.
• You can practice with another person or write what you want to say.
• Express what you think, feel, and want from your point of view. Generally, it is customary to express something like “you told me, or you did me”, it is best to start from the “I”. Like, for example, “I felt, I thought, I guessed”. Taking responsibility for what we feel, need, and think allows us to connect with ourselves and enhance assertiveness.
• Try to look at the situation from afar. If necessary, ask for outside opinions so you can see what’s going on. Seeing the situation from another perspective helps you to step away from what you feel, and to be able to objectively observe where the problem is.
• Asking the other person what he feels or thinks helps to give them validation, in addition to helping you better understand what is happening with them.

It may sound difficult to start applying these changes, but by listening to yourself, getting to know yourself, connecting with your emotions, needs and recognizing those of others will allow you to begin to have a better relationship with yourself and the people around you. If you want to start communicating assertively, remember that you can count on Philia professionals to help you.