Many times we hear about attachment as something negative, phrases such as: “attachment generates suffering”, “it is the opposite of love”, “it is the path to unhappiness”, “it is the prison of the soul”, “it is giving power to another to control you”, “it is what ties you to something or someone”. When the word “attachment” comes to mind, what concept or adjectives do you think of? Once you answer the question, continue reading.
If we told you that attachment is positive, what is more if we told you that it is necessary, what would you think? Well, attachment is something positive and necessary. This is so because attachment allows us to develop an emotional and affective bond with those people who are significant to us. The first -and most important- bond of attachment that we develop is with the people who took care of us during our childhood, such as our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. By totally depending on other people to survive when we are little, our own biology prepares us to establish this type of bond from the time we are in the womb. That’s why attachment is so important!
As we grow older, we acquire autonomy and that dependency decreases, but the attachment never disappears, in fact, in our adult life we establish it with our partner. The type of attachment we have as adults will be related to the type of attachment we grew up with. This, in turn, depends on how present, physically, and emotionally available our caregivers were, and how our physical and emotional needs were met during our childhood development.
In general, two types of attachment can be defined: secure and insecure. Secure is when the bond developed in a healthy way, where the needs of childhood were covered. The insecure one is when there were deficiencies in some of the needs of the child. Let’s see in a little more detail what each one consists of:
- Secure attachment: it develops when the caregivers were able to satisfy physiological needs such as food, rest, hygiene, and health; were physically present and emotionally available on a regular and stable basis. This may allow the child to feel safe to explore the environment and know that they can go to their attachment figures when they need comfort or need to feel protected.
People who develop this type of attachment will grow into adults who can be intimate and close with other people, and trust themselves and others. They may know that sometimes they will need other people, but that they also have their own resources to be able to be autonomous, taking charge of their own emotions and needs. In their intimate relationships, they will be able to give themselves and their partner space without feeling fear or separation anxiety, they will enjoy their time alone, but also emotional intimacy with another person.
- Ambivalent or anxious attachment: This type of attachment develops when caregivers were intermittently present in emotional care. This causes uncertainty of not knowing if the person will be there when they need them, generating anguish to explore the environment and fear or fear when separating from their attachment figure.
Adults who develop this type of attachment will be afraid of being abandoned, they will feel anxious about suspecting probable infidelity or abandonment by their partner, they will have difficulty saying no, and, consequently, set limits by being complacent at the cost of abandoning themselves. They will depend on other people due to their lack of self-confidence and will seek external validation, attention, and/or constant reaffirmation that will generate peace of mind and security.
- Avoidant attachment: it develops when the caregivers were cold on an emotional level, which does not mean that they did not love the child, but that they did not convey that affection because they did not express their emotions or did not validate or listen to those of the child. This style is closely related to promoting a very marked autonomy and independence. Here there is no uncertainty as in the previous style, but there is no emotional connection with the attachment figures.
Therefore, adults who have grown up with this type of attachment learn that intimacy can be “threatening” and that they cannot count on others to care for them, so they become very or extremely independent and rarely ask for help, often feel uncomfortable with their vulnerability and when expressing their emotions, so they avoid talking about them and expressing them. They tend to have difficulty committing because they have difficulty managing intimacy with another person, as well as feeling that their partner is very “demanding”. If they establish a relationship, they have a persistent idea of remaining independent and a need not to feel tied to anyone. They are often partners who can feel distant and are emotionally unavailable.
- Disorganized attachment: it is the most complex and occurs when the child develops a deep fear or fear of their attachment figure. They are children who have suffered physical and/or emotional abuse and/or mistreatment, as well as emotional instability by their caregivers.
Adults with this type of attachment have a desire to be intimate and connect emotionally, but they avoid doing so by shutting down emotionally. It could be said that it is a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. In their relationships they are people who can feel a high degree of shame, their thinking is polarized “black and white”, they do not feel worthy of being loved, they feel easily rejected and they tend to take things personally, their relationships with their partners are usually chaotic and with many conflicts, they tend to push people away, they do not trust others and they always have their guard up, they can be controlling people, they tend to devalue, insult or speak ill of others to raise their personal worth.
Being able to establish healthy relationships, where there is space for mutual development and freedom, has to do, among other things, with the type of attachment we establish in them. If you feel identified with any of these types of attachment, it’s important that you know they don’t condition us and that they can be worked on. Also, we invite you not to label yourself or pigeonhole yourself in one or the other because what we share with you is an overview of the types of attachment and, although it can help you get to know yourself better, it is recommended that a professional accompany you to delve into your self-knowledge and thereby build healthier relationships with you and with others.
Thank you for joining us and, if you want to know more about your type of attachment and how to work on it, remember that at Philia we have a professional for you!
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