Self-Esteem in Adults

In order to talk about self-esteem in adults, we need to consider two important points that we have mentioned in the previous articles:

a) Temperament, which has a biological base; and

b) Character, which has to do with our relationship to our surrounding environment, from our family to our friends and people that we interact with on a daily basis.

Therefore, we know that we are born with one of them, and that the other one keeps shaping up throughout our lives. It is for this reason that it is important to revise some things about ourselves, especially during adulthood, when we are aware of more things and can reflect more deeply on our actions.

Because, as we have mentioned before, self-esteem refers to “the worth and love that I give myself as a person. It covers all aspects of your being, from the physical side to the inner side”.  We talk about a healthy self-esteem when a person can be aware of his strengths and weaknesses; when according to his actions, he experiences his mistakes as a responsible person and learns from them, trying over and over again to obtain better results.

And finally, as we have said, self-esteem is built, it is an active process. As we grow up, the challenges that we face in life increase, and there are times when we might think that we won´t be able to overcome them; this can make us feel anxious, overwhelmed and sad. However, it is in these particular moments when it would really help us to revisit our self-esteem and reinforce it, although it is important to mention that working on it is a permanent task in order to have a fuller life.

But, what do we need to revisit exactly?

1. Our strengths: We can start by making a list of the things we like about ourselves, the things we know that we’re good at, such as: “I’m a good listener,” “I have a good sense of humour,” “I work well in teams”,” I have good ideas “,” I am smart “,” I am a thoughtful person”, etc. Make a list that includes ALL of the things that you like about yourself, the things that come easy to you and that you enjoy doing, the praises and compliments that other people have said to you and that you know are part of who you are.
2. Our weaknesses: On the other hand, the things that you might not be so good at – in your own opinion – those in which you could improve a little, such as: “I need to communicate more”, “I need to control my emotions better”, “I can work on being more patient”, “I need to learn to share more”, “I get angry very easily”, etc. This list helps us to see the areas in which we can improve more in a clear and honest way.
3. Our insecurities and fears: It is extremely important to revise what our insecurities and fears are, given that most of the time they are really far from reality, from what can really and truly happen in our everyday lives, from how others perceive us, or who we really are. My insecurities and fears can be the product of my own mind, they can sometimes come from “labels” that people might have given me throughout my life such as family members, co-workers, friends, even my partner; and in which I have not only believed in, but have adopted as an erroneous concept of myself. These “false beliefs” about who we are prevent us from seeing ourselves, prevent us from reaching our potential and discovering more of our own strengths. What are your insecurities and fears? Failing at work? Not achieving your goals? Do you not like sharing your opinions for fear of being criticized? Fear of rejection? “Nobody will love me the way I am”? Think about the insecurities and fears that might prevent you from seeing, loving and enjoying yourself.

With these three lists we will have a broader picture of the areas that we need to work on and the areas that we need to reinforce. Work on cultivating and developing your strengths, celebrate your triumphs and share with others those things that you do so well! If you love to dance, do it! Teach someone else to dance and enjoy it! Work on improving your weaknesses: learn to communicate better, share more with others, develop your emotional intelligence; we all have so much to learn and so much to grow in different areas.

You have to focus on yourself, remember that your value as a person does not depend on how others perceive you. You don’t have to force your personality, you have to learn to find your authenticity, and put aside the emotional suffering that you can create for yourself when trying to meet the expectations of others like your boss, your family, your partner, etc.

Things that can diminish my self-esteem:

1. Don’t go around trying to meet other people´s expectations.

Remember that trying to meet the expectations of others can generate a false sense of personal satisfaction; and when you go against yourself, you belittle yourself and create an internal struggle between what you want to do and what you “are expected to do”.

Many people around you will have a formed opinion of you, and they would probably love to give you advice on what they think you “should” do, all with the best intentions at heart. However, when making decisions, look inside yourself and ask yourself what you think will be the best thing to do for you; think about what options you will feel more comfortable and better with, more “you”. Don´t be afraid to make decisions and make mistakes; if something doesn´t go your way, don´t be afraid to try again, again and again, and as many times as necessary, giving your best effort. This is how we grow, how we learn and this is a good way of working on believing in yourself.

But why do we sometimes feel like we have to meet the expectations of others? Everyone has a need for acceptance, approval, belonging, love and closeness to others. However, we can get lost in the process if we think that the acceptance that we need to build a healthy self-esteem can be found outside ourselves, and only through the acceptance of others. This will never be the case, and we will continue to feel that something is missing, as this is a completely internal process. The expectations of others may not be real, logical or may even be unattainable. This could lead you to feel as if you weren’t good enough, as if you weren’t as worthy, that you fall short, but based on someone else’s standards which may not be at all consistent with who you really are.

2. Self-sabotage.

Another thing to take into consideration is self-sabotage, which refers to all those actions that we carry out and that hinder or invalidate our goals, our growth. It is a way to prove to yourself that you are not capable of achieving your objectives, as if we wanted to confirm all those negative things that could have been said to me by others, or the negative thoughts that I may have about myself. So think, how are you sabotaging yourself? How can you work on this? Believe in yourself, do not compare yourself with the success or the circumstances of others; all you have to do is believe in yourself, BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT, AND TRY. You are a set of skills, knowledge, attitudes and behaviours, all from which you can take infinite advantage, start by setting realistic goals and plan how you can achieve them.

3. Trying to develop your self-esteem based on material things or social recognition.

Remember that social recognition, material things, and “what people might say” can fall into the category of snobbism, of false reality, and of someone who is not really you. It eventually wears you out and in the end you might still feel the same emptiness, insecurities and fears inside. As we mentioned above, you will not find love for yourself in any of these things or outside, the love of oneself is found inside each one of us. Our value is what we give ourselves, not what someone or anything else gives us. You will not always have to be number one at everything, learn from your setbacks and give yourself the opportunity to feel failure, because with it your strengths will arise, the strengths that will help you move forward. You don´t always have to prove to others that you are strong, don´t forget that you are human with feelings and emotions.

Can you imagine letting your value as a person depend on someone else? On a car? On a house? Or a job? What would happen if you lost it one day? Would you stop being a valuable person? That’s a definite and strong no! You are worth your weight in gold for the simple reason of being you. Period.

4. Trying to force situations that are not for me.

What do we mean by this? Feeling horrible for that job that you didn´t get, wanting to be with a person who is not interested in you, or staying in a relationship that no longer works, wanting to be with a group of people who you have nothing in common with or who do not have the same goals and principles as you; because far from bringing you personal satisfaction, if things don’t go as you expect, or if a situation simply doesn’t take place, you will begin to doubt yourself and your abilities, and your self-esteem will be affected.

Accept what life is giving you now, enjoy what you have, the good things around you, look for  opportunities instead of focusing on what you lack, on what you don’t have. Challenge your abilities to turn what you have now into a wonderful experience of personal growth. Learn to enjoy the simplicity that life offers you, a moment, a meal, a sunset.

5. Not taking care of myself or having “me” time.

Taking care of yourself has to do with doing things for yourself, things that make you feel good. Take time to find out what those things are and try doing new activities to find those that fill you, that make you happy and that help you balance all aspects of your life. It is a time with and for yourself, to enjoy your company, take a breath, recharge batteries and get to know yourself more. There is a big difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself; there is nothing wrong with setting aside some time for myself, to create my own space in which to take shelter when I´m not feeling well, when life becomes too difficult, when I want to do something that I love or simply when I just want to sit in silence. It doesn´t mean that I stop loving my family, or that I stop wanting to spend time with them. It means that I enjoy my own company and that I look for new ways to grow and recharge batteries, and this in the end, will benefit not only me but all those around me. It doesn´t always have to be about everyone else and their needs, learn to enjoy and take care of yourself first so that you can share yourself with others.

Remember that taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is also a sign of love for you. Don´t abandon or lose yourself in daily obligations and routines, in your family, in your loved ones, or in your work. We complain about not having enough time to do things that we like, things that benefit us physically, emotionally, spiritually or intellectually, but it is important to find the time. Try giving yourself 10-15 minutes every day, no more than that and you will begin to see the difference. Would you not give more than to one of your loved ones if they needed you?

Assess your strengths, find a balance, remember that life is full of stages and that they are transitory, do not get stuck in them, but go through them in a healthy way, enjoying them, giving what you can and finding time for yourself.

Make a list of things you can do to spoil yourself, to pamper yourself every day! From very simple things such as enjoying a nice coffee, chatting with your best friend, going for a walk, reading a good book, listening to your favourite music, buying yourself a chocolate! Or going to your favourite restaurant.

Develop a healthy self-esteem

Be honest with yourself and with others. When we need to examine our feelings, we repress them; when we need to tell the truth, we go silent; when we need to leave a toxic relationship, we fight to stay in it, when we need to protect ourselves from negative thoughts and state what we need, we do not.

This is what it means to have a low self-esteem. It is necessary to act, to face our challenges, to make assertive decisions, to know how to differentiate between good and evil. We have to act in order to find our own well-being.

In order to build a healthy self-esteem, we must reflect on the fact that we never stop learning, we learn things every day. In adulthood, we have the ability to realise what we want to do and understand that we may not know how to do it.

Then our tool will be to learn it! Learn whatever it is that we need to learn, and after we have learned it, carry it out, in order to achieve our goals. Do not be hard on yourself, try to do something even if you make mistakes; know that you will learn from them and give yourself permission to make them.

Think about past accomplishments, think about the things you have been successful at before; things that have gone well for you and which you are proud of. And use that to have the conviction that you have the ability to achieve other goals as well.

Fall in love with yourself.

Falling in love with myself means respecting myself and knowing my value; knowing that I am worthy, not because others say so, but because I am convinced that I am. It is knowing what my personal value is, it is not the illusion of thinking that we are perfect, or superior to others; it is not about comparing or competing with anything or anyone but with myself.

By loving yourself you will know what you can tolerate and what you cannot; it will help you to set limits, to ask for respect from others and to not stay in a place or in a situation where someone makes you feel bad.  It will help you realise what you want, how you want people to treat you and to relate to them in a full and healthier way.

Go through all the points that we have mentioned, reflect on what your self-esteem is like right now and try to practice these tips. Work on getting to know, love and respect yourself better. This will guide you to seek healthier relationships, with your friends, family, co-workers and above all to have a better romantic relationship. If perhaps you came out of a relationship in which you feel that you lost your identity, do not abandon yourself, take up the personal project of recovering your inner self, your spark, your being, move away from sadness, the most difficult thing is to take the first step.

Self-esteem is a process in motion, it is not static; we all have to work on it while facing the different situations and problems that life brings us. If you feel like you are stumbling, take out your list of pampering activities, spoil yourself, take your time and recover, we all have bad days!

Try out these exercises:

1. Everyday do something that you enjoy, even if it is for 10-15 minutes only. (Pampering activity list ready!)
2. Compliment yourself at least twice at the beginning of your day and compliment someone else throughout your day.
3. At night, make a list of the things that went well that day and that you enjoyed doing.
4. Don’t be hard on yourself. Be patient! We tend to be patient with other people, but not with ourselves.
5. Do something fun. Sing from the top of your lungs while driving, dance that song that is playing on the radio, joke, make someone laugh. Have fun.
6. Do your good deed of the day. Doing something for others gives us a feeling of well-being and incredible self-satisfaction, no matter how small the action is!