Enjoying one’s own company is something that can be done regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not. However, it could happen that, instead of enjoying your own company, a feeling of loneliness creeps in. In order to learn to be with yourself, you have to differentiate between being alone and feeling alone. Being alone is not having people around you; while feeling alone is a psychological construction in which you don’t validate yourself, don’t feel accompanied, loved or you believe that others do not want to share or be with you and, therefore, you find yourself not able to enjoy your own company.
If at home you grew up with phrases like “you can’t do that”, “I’ll do it for you”, “be careful” or they reprimanded you for making mistakes, perhaps you learned not to trust yourself and to listen to that inner voice that tells you that you are not capable of doing something. The consequence of this can be a lack of autonomy and self-confidence that limits your ability to grow with the resources you have, to take responsibility for your life, to ask for help when you need it, and you may relate to others from lack of self-esteem and become dependent on them.
In order to start enjoying your own company, you need to review what are the beliefs that lead you to be dependent on the approval and validation of others, as well as your need to please, and the difficulty you have in connecting with your own individuality. Identify those people, things, or situations with which you cover the void of your loneliness. Recognize your fears, listen to your body, learn to identify the type of thoughts you have, set your priorities, learn new things and practice using your skills. This may require a therapeutic process so that you can delve into these issues.
Spending time alone will help you feel more connected to yourself, because dedicating time and space to the things you love and enjoy will prevent you from giving up your stability and happiness to other people so easily. Giving you the opportunity to eat, go to the movies, travel, take a walk, contemplate a landscape by yourself, will allow you to reconnect with yourself, listen to yourself and take care of your own needs.
Take into account that the quality of the relationship that you have with yourself will determine the quality of relationships that you establish with others and the type of people you surround yourself with in your life. That is, a relationship will be healthy or not, depending on the intention with which you start it.
For instance, looking for a friendship or a relationship just because you need one, to avoid feeling alone, “to see what comes out”, because you feel that with that person “you can achieve your goals”, or because you feel more motivated, etc.
Question yourself on why you really want a relationship. Do you want one because you feel good about yourself and want to share life with someone, or because you feel bad about your life, and you think that being with someone will somehow make things better?
The moment you think that being with one or more people will make you feel better, that’s when you take away the opportunities to have and live a full life on your own. It is very likely that if you are not used to being alone, it could be really uncomfortable and overwhelming at first, but the more you spend quality time with yourself, the more comfortable you will be in your own company. If you want to learn to be with yourself, in Philia we can accompany you so that you can learn to enjoy your own space without feeling alone.
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