How to survive the holidays with my in-laws

No family is perfect, even when sometimes some people want to believe otherwise. Starting from this reality, you have to accept that each family has strengths and weaknesses, and yes, your partner’s family is no exception. Although in-laws can be a source of conflict in a relationship, wanting to change them or trying to distance your partner from their family is not the solution. What you can do is learn to manage, define and maintain a cordial relationship, especially during this time of the year, so that the holidays do not turn into a tragedy.

There is a factor that is worth considering in order to have a cordial relationship with the in-laws: feeling judged every time you have to spend time with them. When we feel judged by a whole family, it is difficult to lower one’s guard, relax and enjoy, causing stress and anxiety. This can cause tension to build up in the couple, and at the slightest provocation any harmony that existed between them can easily be broken. Well, if your partner’s family represents a challenge every time you see them, we suggest you consider these tips before that exchange of glances or kicks under the table are present during these dates:

1. Lower your expectations. It is common that, if you do not feel like going, you think about the worst scenarios that may be waiting for you. Ally yourself with your partner to feel secure in front of your in-laws, that is, agree what you could do in the event that a difficult situation arises, such as if the aunt or mother-in-law begins to make inappropriate comments, change the topic of conversation to create another dynamic, or if someone is rude, cut off the conversation politely and change places or go to a different room.
2. Set limits. Talk to your partner about what you can and cannot accept when you visit their family. Do not wait to talk with your partner the day before or on the same day, establish those limits and alternatives that you consider best for those moments. It can be something as simple as not sitting next to Uncle Pedrito who often makes imprudent comments.
3. Take care of your self-esteem. While you don’t have to like or be liked by everyone in the family, know that you don’t have to change or be different to fit into your in-laws.
4. Do not force your partner to choose. At the end of the day, it is their family, and we all have the right and the need to maintain those ties without your partner feeling that they have to take sides.
5. Balance. There will be times when your partner will have to spend time with your family and vice versa. Although it is also convenient for you both to talk and reach an agreement about how long you will be at the event, it is better to dose the time you spend with them, and to leave when you feel it is better to do so, than to wait for a situation to escalate and get out of hand.
6. Do not make unilateral decisions. If at any point either of you “fails” on either agreement, take a moment to breathe in, go to a separate place like the bathroom to talk about it and agree on a new strategy. It is important to have the flexibility to correct on time and strengthen your bond.

And if, despite everything, the situation gets out of control and you end up having a bad time, it will be important to reflect on what you would like to do with that relationship and your partner’s family. Asking yourself if it is possible to resolve the conflict by talking about it with your partner, establishing new agreements, limits, or even spending less time with them, are just some of the questions that you can ask yourself at the beginning. However, at Philia we know that these situations can be difficult to resolve and that they can cause a lot of confusion. Therefore, we invite you to contact us to schedule a session and start acquiring strategies that allow you to better deal with these types of situations.